taking pictures of you
this was a post originally published in my now defunct substack newsletter, an ambiguous case.
self portrait
i remember when a friend of mine came over and we had this conversation about her writing project where she wanted to talk about an old friend she wanted to remember despite the lack of pictures she had of them. to compensate this lack, she used photos gathered from thrift stores. the conversation then led to us discussing about archiving beyond as means of preservation. she mentions a quote from a short film she watched recently:
when you photograph anything, you take away something from it and leave it differently the first time you saw it
before she left, i let her take my picture.
self portrait, taken by nissie
nissie, taken by me
i’ve been wanting to pick up a film cam for a while now. photography was one of the things i always wanted to have a shot at (haha) and saw film photography as a good means to learn due to its uneditable character.
compared to my attempts at practicing with my phone, i only took photos that didn’t really serve any purpose but as mere signifiers that i went to these certain places. but most of the time i cannot even recall why i took that photo, what was remarkable about it to merit space. i wanted to do things differently and lessen my perfectionist tendencies of making assumptions of what is the ~ right ~ photo to capture. and maybe because a 2,500 pesos is much more easier to swallow than 10,000 pesos for purchasing a camera.
self portrait
view from the house window
i acquired my first film camera during a difficult time. the pandemic has seeped through my household resulting in almost all my family members acquiring the virus. lucky for me and brother, we did not and led to us isolating with our father in bulacan to ensure our safety. this distance of 3 months consisted of grief with the sudden death of my grandparents and also confinement not only as seclusion for safety, but as confrontation for certain things i haven’t been addressing given the turbulent situation i had back in the city.
bird watching from bulacan window
in bulacan, i had my own room. compared to the city where i shared one with my mother. being alone in this space then gave me an opportunity to explore without my mother’s constant intrusion. but as time prolonged, i began to feel lonely and wanted to actually seek outside the window, hanging out alongside the birds on the red roof.
but those sentiments soon were offset by the support my friends during this period. despite the distance and obligations we all had, we still managed to be there for each other. the limitations of the screen seemed to disappear in the series of discord work servers, online kamustahans, and even the accountability streams my loving partner introduces to me as we meet in the coming months.
i decided i want to take and give something to the people i love beyond just mere presence. i wanted to be able to remember them in that moment of time. and to be able to age with them but not losing those good parts of themselves still reflecting in the present. and so i took their photos.
ninang in her natural habitat
wives, cubao
brother caught by surprise
together again, cubao
my first film roll was only scanned. i didn’t really go for the printing options because of the steep price point. but i do think i should have. there’s so much charm in getting to hold in your hands the images of the people and so my 2nd roll i did just that.
tiny homes
dad, new year’s eve
happy birthday nissie!
when mary oliver said, “To live in this world / you must be able to do three things: / to love what is mortal; / to hold it / against your bones knowing / your own life depends on it; / and, when the time comes to let it go, / to let it go.”
but today I will remember, I’ll look back and I’ll give something to it.
good morning!